a few of my favorite things.

Since Mondays tend to suck for most people (especially me), I'm going to start a new blog tradition: my favorite things. Today, it's funnies. My friends and family know I write everything down that makes me giggle or think in a notebook. Random quotes or conversations from friends, family, famous people, complete strangers, coworkers. I have years of this stuff, but I'll just list a few of the ones that I remember the most. And I'll put a funny picture in just for some visual stimulation. Enjoy!

Me: "What do you want to eat?"
Donna: "3 great big motherfucking pizzas for a dollar."

James commenting on my visit to Austin to see him, Amy and Lauren: "You came in like a cool autumn wind and blew out of here like a hot, wet fart."


Janet on beer: "Miller High Life tastes like piss, but it still tastes pretty good."

Darin responding to some guy yelling insults at us while we were riding scooters and skateboards: "He's a closet scooter."

Some random customer at Kinko's: "Your fonts suck."

Jerry S. replying to an irate customer needing computer help at Kinko's: "Help me to help you help yourself."

Jerry Davis's closing statement to a customer at FedEx Kinko's who was pissed because she couldn't ship an object that was against regulations: "Thank you for trying to ship with FedEx."

Steve trying to show me how to make cappucino on my new Krups coffee maker: "You gotta blow out the creamy plug."

Gabby's opinion of a renaissance fair: "I don't believe in medievel stuff-I'm Catholic."

"I'm wrong but at least I'm consistant."-Jesse on being himself.

Lulu: "I need someone to wipe my butt-I pooped!"
Me: "Can't you wipe it yourself?"
Lulu: "No, I'm not 4 years old yet."

I'm choking on a chocolate covered cherry. Jerry comes up behind me to do the Hiemlich maneuver and says "Are you ready?" Like I could reply...

Mark and Renita were discussing how doctors measure dialation on a pregnant woman. Renita and Mark's wife have the same OBGYN, Dr. R., who is Greek. Here's how it went:
Renita: "I think they measure by how many fingers they can stick up there."
Mark: "Some doctor's fingers are as big as telephone poles."
Renita: "Yeah, especially Dr. R.'s
Mark: "Those big Greek hands-they were tossing around rocks on Mount Olympus with those hands"

Question on the Ask CKY postboard: "Is CKY breaking up?"
Jess Margera: "Nah, breaking up is as gay as a bag of dicks."

Roseanne on Actor's Studio answers the regular Bernard Piebo questions.
James Lipton: "What's your favorite sound?"
Roseanne: "That music-you know, on the History channel when Hitler's coming on."

"Oh, baby, I'm rubbing my spacebar..." -chatroom spammer.

Donna and I watching CKY2K where Brandon DiCamillo takes a dump.
Brandon: "This is me shitting."
Donna: "Oh my God, what did you eat????"

Todd, angry at a car in front of him that is still stopped at a green light: "What are you waiting on, a football field?"

Todd, with a trick at Sharp's Ridge. They are in his car, the guy pulls down his pants and exposes the fact he is wearing women's crotchless panties. Todd yells at him "You're a waste-get out!!!"

A girl at work is bitching about her husband. He complains about her cooking. Renita says "Well, you need to give him the Al Green special."

The same girl bitching about her teenage son being out of control. Renita says "You can give kids the Al Green special, too."

My family had a cookout. It was hot and the mosquitos were relentless. My brother asks my mom if she has any bug repellent, to which she replies "Yeah, get OFF in the garage."

I sent my brother an email, asking him a question about our website. He emailed me back: Paige, I'm drunk right now. Can we do this tomorrow?

Janet and I are at a bar talking to some random guy. He says "The mosquitos are bad here."
Janet replies: "Yeah, screw Vietnam!"

Janet and I are driving home from a bar, listening to the local rap station. Twista comes on.
Janet: "Hey, it's Twista!"
Me: "Who the hell is that?"
Janet: "You don't know who Twista is? Man, he's the hip hop sensation!!!"

OK, I think that's all for tonight. For the most part, for these to be funny, you would have to hear the person say it. But it's all in my head and it's crystal clear. So even if you don't laugh, just smile knowing I'm in front of my monitor laughing my ass off.