thursday night blues.

Well, it's gonna take more than a beer to cheer me up, kids. I'm listening to Sigur Ros and feeling kind of shitty. I just went to the Downtown Brewery with Janet and Tiffany to have many drinks and forget my sorrows. After the news I received from Jerry today, it looks as if we are not going to Amsterdam and London. Unless someone decides to buy 2 plane tickets and hotel reservations, or finds a cure for what ails Jerry's cat. Neither is possible, I'm afraid. So after a year of planning, our trip to Europe has been postponed. And, yet again, I will be spending New Years alone. I really am sad about the whole situation-it is heartbreaking, to those who know-I can't imagine one of my cats being terminally ill. But I can't help but feel a little slighted at the same time. Oh well-at least I got a free drink from George the bartender.

I need to start thinking about what to do on my vacation. Maybe I should fly somewhere in the states I've never been. Or, I could take care of some things that need to be done around the house. Jesse suggested I go to Europe alone and get some European cock. I'm so ass backward, I don't think I could manage the trek alone, much less, get any cock. I've already grown my virginity back, so I wouldn't even know how to go about the "getting cock" thing, anyway. But thanks for thinking so highly of me, Jess. Maybe I'll get James Spader to sell me some Christmas kitchen shit ;)

I guess I need to pack for my trip tomorrow, but I have no energy. I don't leave until 10am, so I can wait. In the meantime, send suggestions on what the hell I should do this New Years besides having a Blockbuster marathon while drinking red wine and eating pizza. And visit this link because it's too good to go to waste:

http://www.funpic.hu/en.picview.php?id=27841&c=-1&s=dd&p=2

My term papers were never this good. Good night.

up and running.

The QEKNIT website is finally done. Above is the main banner that depicts the new look of the site. Thanks to my brother Brad, it was done rather quickly. I designed it so if you don't like it-take it up with me and I'll tell you I don't care! Just go on there and buy some crap! Although, if you're wanting something to give as a Christmas gift, the deadline is up. I might make an exception for a few...

I've been a very lucky girl, but in the past year some crappy things have happened. Let me just add to it. Yesterday, I was on my way home from work-on the Broadway exit ramp, to be exact-and out of nowhere, something big and traveling fast dropped out of the sky and busted my windsheild. I thought I had been shot at. My ears were ringing. It looked at if a baseball had smashed into the glass-there was a huge round cluster of cracks and 2 long cracks going all the way down. All I could do was look for blood. There wasn't a hole in the windshield, so that was a relief. I wasn't behind a truck and the nearest car was probably 4 car lengths in front of me. No overpass for a fool to drop something off of. So who the hell knows what hit the glass or where it came from.

Another turd to add on top of my big pile of shit-the trip to Europe may be called off. I won't know probably until the last minute. It's a long story, but to make it short, my friends might cancel, which would leave me to A) go alone or B) get a refund on my ticket and not go on the trip I've been planning for almost a year or C) find someone to buy my friends' tickets. A is out of the question. C is a lost cause-who could come up with the money AND the time off simultaneously? The reason for this mess is a horrible situation that suddenly came up and may or may not be resolved in a month. So I wait. Maybe I wasn't meant to go on this vacation.

On another note-I will be in Atlanta this weekend for the traditional yearly shopping spree with my sisters and mom. Sorry, Donna-you'll have to survive a couple of days without a blog. Hopefully, I can have a good time and forget my worries, or as my mom so eloquently put it "eat your way through Atlanta". Honestly, all I want to do is get drunk and pass out in a ditch somewhere.

saturday ALIAS marathon.

Greetings from the land of sickness. All I have done all day is cough up my lungs which, in turn, has given me a righteous headache. The only thing I have accomplished today was finish one hat order and started another one. The porch and sidewalk were sweeped as well, but that took all of my energy. And all the while, the whole first season of ALIAS on DVD was (and still is) playing on the boob tube. I'm not missing anything by typing this-in fact, I've watched them so many times, I think I can recite the dialogue verbatim. Sydney Bristow can wait while I empty my brain. After my hands were too cramped to knit anymore, I went through some old emails on my computer and found one about food from foreign countries, hence, the Big Nuts candy bar pic. There were some other funny ones, but I'll save those for another day.

One more week and the QEKNIT site will be completely revamped. Totally new look, alot less complicated and more cool stuff on there. We have enough orders to keep us busy through Christmas and hopefully we'll have alot of extra spending money to take to Europe. The wooden shoes are calling my name all the way from the Netherlands. And the British Museum is just waiting for me to drop some pounds on some crazy souvenirs in London. I just hope that Platform 9 3/4 is open at King's Cross when we get there. Call me a geek, big kid, dumbass or whatever for going Harry Potter on everyone's ass, but I don't care. Besides, we're only doing a few things pertaining to HP on this trip. The other stuff is strictly historical-Big Ben, The London Bridge, Stonehenge, Windsor Palace and all the oldest pubs we can get into. Hit up Ronnie Scott's (if we can get in), maybe shop on Portobello Road at the markets. Someday, I'll travel to Ireland and Scotland to look up some kilts or join the IRA- but for now, my money is spent.

Back to the needles. Have a well rested weekend before you head back to work on Monday. I'm over and out.

black friday.

Market Square

The ice skating rink opened up on Market Square today. I love ice skating. I would love to take a certain Lulu to the rink, but alas, she is in Pflugerville, Texas and I am here in Ktown, Tennessee. Oh well-I guess I will just have to settle for getting drunk at the pub and watch all the happy people ice skate, while the other drunkards and homeless people look on. One of these days, I'll fulfill my cheesy dream of ice skating with the other tourists in Rockefeller Center in NYC. Maybe stop by the Today Show window and profess my love to Matt Lauer with a big hand painted sign. Head down to Central Park and hang with the joggers. Sigh.

The big news of the week was the fact that The Knoxville News Sentinel (our news paper) weighed in at a hefty 5 pounds, due to all of the sale ads. Crazy people camping out in front of Best Buy to get a $250 laptop, my nephew being among them. He arrived at around 9:30pm on Thanksgiving night and there were almost 200 people in line. So, instead of trying to beat that crowd, he decided to head down to Circuit City to camp out for a $399 laptop. More money, less people in line. I think it's ridiculous. Who needs a laptop-or anything else, for that matter-THAT bad? And the whole Wii & Playstation 3 hype. Seriously, can you not wait a month longer to get one instead knocking people out and stealing their hard earned money to play a fucking video game??? Granted, I cried when my PS2 was stolen-my brother replaced it (thank you, Brent) but, really, I can and will keep the PS2 until it will not work any longer. And even then, I may not replace it with a new system. I could care less about better graphics and all the extra gaming crap that comes along with the Wii and PS3. Just give me Twisted Metal 2 and all of the Tomb Raider games, maybe some Cool Boarders and I'll be satisfied. Even my awesome Intellivision system with Burger Time, Pitfall and Space Armada (which my dad sold at a yard sale, sadly) would be just fine with me.

My friend Jerry wanted to get one of the new bedazzled Elmo dolls and resell it on EBay for a profit. I don't know exactly what the dolls do, but I will tell you this-if I had a kid who wanted one, it would be shit out of luck. I wouldn't pay a dime over retail for an Elmo toy, especially at Christmas. Who would want to spoil their child like that? Veruca Salt, anyone? Yes, it would be nice to have some extra money, but not at someone else's expense. Although, now that I think about it, if people are stupid enough to spend that kind of money on a doll their kid(s) will play with on Christmas day and then throw in the closet never to be played with again, they they deserve to be ripped off. Where can I get one of those Elmo dolls?

I have a nasty cold. So I'm going to watch some Harry Potter flick for the 10,000th time and knit my sick ass off. Got another order today for a scarf. I hope my hands don't draw up from arthritis before I can finish all of the orders due before Dec. 25th.

happy gobble day kids.

Time to shove some food down your gullet and be thankful you have food to do so. It is also time to sit back and ponder the other many things we are grateful for. And I'm not talking about the usual things like family, friends, your pets and the roof over your head. What about the air that you breathe or the earth that you walk upon? Or the trees that provide shade when it's hot, beautiful leaves for us to behold in the fall and flowers in the spring, wood for our homes and furniture, and fruit to feed humans and animals alike? The sun to give us energy, the light to see and warmth year round? Even the moon that provides the ocean tides and the romantic light to walk under at night. None of us ever asked to be put on this planet, but at least Mother Nature has provided us with the necessities to enjoy it and sustain the life we have chosen for ourselves. So be thankful for Mother Nature, as well as everyone else on your list this Thanksgiving. I know I am.

the cube.

No, not the movie 'The Cube', although I actually liked it. This is a picture of where I reside 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. No one I know has ever seen my cubicle. I'm not under lockdown-but if you want to see past the lobby, a visitor badge must be issued (unless you want to bring your unbelievably annoying toddlers in there and interrupt everyone's concentration) and, really, it's just too much trouble. There's nothing interesting to see-except my cubicle. I've been at my current employer for a little under 2 years and the oldtimers like to visit the cube and check out all of the crap I have accrued. I figure if I have to stay somewhere for 8 hours, it may as well look like home. The plant has taken over the other 2 cubes on each side of mine since this photo was taken. There are also alot more pictures and articles pinned to the walls. The distraction keeps me from falling asleep-sometimes. Alot of times I imagine pulling a George Costanza.

The contents of my cube are a mixed bag. Photos of friends, family, my cats and a couple of Jamie Cullum and I. I keep the Jamie pictures there so all of the women that have worked there for 15+ years will come by and ask "Is that your boyfriend? He's cute!" For a second, I want to say "Yes it is-he's on tour right now. Maybe when he gets back, I'll bring him in to meet everyone." Instead I say "No, he's a musician I met a couple of times. I'm just a big fan." Then I proceed to tell them who he is. They've never heard of him. There is also a picture of Jerry and I. I've had several ask if he's my boyfriend, also. No, I reply, he's one of my best friends. And he's gay. That shuts them up real quick. I think I'm the only single person working there, besides Renita. So when I went out on a date with some guy I met on the internet (it was a complete flop and a big mistake, but that's another story) everyone HAD to know how it went. I think these women believe you have to get married to survive. Some want to set me up with a friend of a friend of a friend and I just can't deal.

Other miscellaneous crap in my cube: pictures of Wentworth Miller, Dave Grohl, Trey Parker & Matt Stone, David Sedaris, Colin Firth & Emma Thompson, Steve Correll, Dave Chappelle and a card with some chinese kids on it-some magnets from various people-a few paperback books in case I need to read on my lunch break-a bunch of Star Wars toys from Burger King, along with a Wampa Star Wars Buddy-an enlarged, mounted X Men comic book cover of Rogue and Gambit-the Little Shop of Horrors plant that was given to me and has grown out of control-and, finally, a large action figure of a repelling Lara Croft and the yeti trying to mame her. The life saver that is my radio/cd player is stuck in the corner on my desk. It's set to NPR and whenever it rains, the reception sucks and I either listen to some awful local station or, if the batteries aren't dead, I'll listen to my MP3 player. It's hard to drown out the big mouth that sits behind me, but I manage. Sometimes it's just mind over matter.

So there is my exciting work life. The actual cubicle itself is more exciting than my job. And I have a cold. It always happens either on a holiday or when I go on vacation. I just hope I can taste the food I 'm going to stuff down my throat tomorrow.

no wonder we're idiots.

I love Jeopardy! The fact that I can usually outsmart the celebrities on there makes me feel smart. Not that trivial knowledge makes someone intelligent-but I think it looks really bad when an ACTOR (Michael McKean) beats the U.S. SECRETARY OF EDUCATION by almost 30,000 points on Jeopardy!, a show viewed by millions of generally uneducated people (because we are, as a whole, one of the lowest countries on the totem pole in education). So hop in your car and GO SEE A MOVIE. Because, apparently, actors know alot more than the bigwigs of the American Education system. And-I love Michael McKean, anyway. Oh, and Harry Shearer won by a landslide last week. Maybe there are perks for being friends of Christopher Guest.

And I just missed Dave Grohl on the music awards. Oh well-at least I got to see my man Jack Black. Awards are ridiculous anyway. Just give me movies and music-I don't give a shit who anyone likes more than I do and whether or not they have won some dumbass gold statue. I won a trophy of a gold horse's ass one year at my previous job for most likely to break a machine. Where the thing is now, I couldn't tell you. Even winning an award for being the world's biggest clutz doesn't mean dick to me. So why would I care who won a bucket of gold popcorn from MTV or an Oscar from the Academy? The people that are nominated aren't even actors that I give a flying fuck through a rolling donut about. And the ones I do like never win. And the music awards? 90% of the music I listen to isn't even on the radio-half of them are dead or from Iceland. The other 10% is classical and maybe some random crap from the 80's. A few popular bands. I don't know where I'm going with this. I'm boring myself. Good Night, Mary Ellen.

monday shmonday.

"I just filled a Twinkie." - Jerry on Russell Crowe in Virtuosity





This weekend, I saw 'A Good Year' with Russell Crowe. The critics panned it. I loved it. Why? Because it's a chick flick. Who knew Ridley Scott would direct Mr. Crowe in a chick flick? It's not the greatest movie, by any means, but it has eye candy AND Albert Finney. Can't go wrong with that on a Sunday afternoon.

I work with names all day long. I scan them, type them, compare them to their signatures, etc. Pretty boring, but I work 7:30-4 Monday thru Friday and every dumbass holiday is off with pay. The only complaint I have is my ass hurts at the end of the day. The joy of this job is seeing all of the insane names people have given their offspring. I collect them in a little notebook that I have compiled from tons of post it notes from work. So for the Monday funnies, I will share a few of my favorite names. And if any stranger reading this happens to be named in the list, well-I'm grateful for the laughter you have brought me and sorry for any ridicule you may have gotten from the school bully because your name is too abnormal for their cornpone heads to comprehend. And these names are real-only nicknames are in quotations. Enjoy.

Aloysius Ignatius Wills (I think I have found a name for my imaginary son-I love this name)
Lucious Pitts
Whiskey Marie (didn't get her last name...)
Cubie Brown
Elizabeth Nicewonger
Bobby Joe Fudge
Dwaymian Mowayne Brissette (sounds like pig latin)
Horst R. Dinkelacker
Velma Swingle Swecker
Guy Smalley (Guy Smiley's alter ego)
Deborah Ann & Junior Dookie
Nice Lopez
Dwayne "Smoove" Parker
Birdie Early
Ebbie Ella Kunkle
John Appleseed Chapman
Chavrioleytte Crenshaw (WTF???)
Ermatine Norwood

And my 2 favorites of all time:

Gifty Myers

Morty Buckles

There are literally hundreds more, but they are on many post it notes scattered around my house. I have yet to gather them all. Maybe after the holidays. And here's a final funny. As my friends and family know, my house was broken into earlier this year. The meth heads stole my cameras, Play Station, game controllers, all my video games, some cash and other miscellaneous things. I blamed it on the (what I call) hooties in the apartments down the street (which I call Hootieville). I've also been having a problem with them stealing my (and the neighbors) mail. And a few months after that, they broke into my car and stole all of my CDs. My car was unlocked, but they just had to bash the window in. HOOTIES. So in honor of my misfortune, Renita made up a little diddy for me to sing whenever I miss my Nikon F3 or all of my Church CDs:

Renita's Ghetto Song

The Hoos in Hootieville

They steal your car

They steal your mail

They steal anything that isn't nailed

nothing, really.

I have been working on the QEKNIT website all day, with a break to go to Joann's and then take a 2 hour nap. So to get rid of my programming numbness, I decided to surf the net for anything interesting. A friend told me about the website RATEMYPOO.COM. Out of curiosity, I made a quick visit. I am not easily disgusted-but this was too much even for my seasoned eyes to behold. It's one thing to watch the guys on Jackass do it for laughs. But to take a picture of your own fecal matter and send it in to be rated by complete strangers-that's just sad. And I have a sneaking suspicion that an ex boyfriend of mine has probably sent many photos of his toilet Picassos into this website. He had a fondness for taking pictures of his hazardous waste in every city/country he visited. Yes, I know, I sure can pick winners to date. Don't remind me.

Other than that-nothing fabulous has happened today. I have a leftover headache from last night. Tomorrow I'm hitting the theater with the parents-don't know what we are seeing yet. Still haven't seen the 3-D "Nightmare Before Christmas" but it's only showing at 11:45am. Guess I'll have to live without that one. I have so much reading to catch up on, but this nagging headache is preventing me from even picking up a book, much less the knitting I should be doing. At least I got my oil changed last week. This week is car tags and glasses. We'll see if that happens in a timely fashion...

tha pub.

Me and Janet. Me and Tiffany. Again at Preservation Pub. Only the bartender knows how many drinks we had. I got some free lilies from some guy that was selling flowers, which I'm sure he stole from the graves at the Woodlawn Cemetary. No matter. Janet left early, which is strange for her. I don't know what the deal was there, but it left me alone to talk to the regulars and to listen to a band called The Comfies. They were actually pretty good. Along with that came an ego boost for me-they sang a song and some girl asked if the song was about me. The singer seemed to be looking at me all night. He kind of reminded me of the singer from the Spin Doctors, without facial hair-and he was wearing a Members Only jacket (which Janet made fun of to his face), but that's OK-I'll take any compliment I can get. I met up with some guy I met there last time. I actually remembered his name. Justin was there and the 3 of us discussed politics until I got fed up and told them both to fuck off. So after The Comfies stopped playing, I came home.

Now all I want is something to eat. But I have nothing in my house that I really want and I'm too cheap to get fast food. Besides, it's midnight and usually when I eat late, I have messed up dreams. Who cares-it would make my sleep interesting. I have alot to do tomorrow. Things would be so much easier if I had a magic wand. But, alas, I am not Harry Potter, nor Hermione Grainger. So I'll get up with a hangover tomorrow, meet up with my brother to revamp the QEKNIT website and knit my ass off with the bundle of orders we have received to be done before Christmas. Maybe some Krispy Kreme doughnuts and lots of coffee will help me along. For now, I'll take some ibuprofin and go to sleep. Good night, kids.

for Donna.

"The truth will set you free-but first, it will piss you off." - Gloria Steinem

This is for Donna. My pal since high school and confidante in Baltimore. We have nothing in common except our fascination with whoopee cushions and the fact that neither one of us like people very much. If I love a movie, I know right away that Donna will hate it. I treated her like shit in high school. She still loves me. I feel like a total dumbass when I talk to people. She reassures me that I'm smart and she's boring (although I think it's the other way around). We have been friends for almost 20 years-been through alot of fights, boyfriends, family issues, personal battles and loss of loved ones. And we're still together.

People, in general, are idiots. And I include myself in that generalization. But even an idiot like me can't tolerate other idiots. Just when you think you know and like someone, they turn out to be the type of people you loathe. Donna and I are alike in this respect, which is why when we make friends, it's usually permanant because it just takes too much time and energy to get to know someone and then realize they are fake or backstabbers, whatever. Where we tend to differ is the actual process of making friends. Donna gives everyone the benefit of the doubt. I tend to find people guilty until proven innocent. I don't lay my trust out for just anyone. I'm suspicious until every thing is known about a person and even then, I'm cautious. It's a bad way to be, but it prevents alot of heartache. And I'm not a social person, anyway. Neither is Donna, but her coat of armour isn't as thick as mine. People stomp on her bleeding heart (including myself in the past-sorry about that) and she ends up hating all mankind. Different views, same results.

"When a man gives his opinion, he's a man. When a woman gives her opinion, she's a bitch." - Bette Davis

People think I'm a bitch for whatever reason-well, I don't mean to be. Under my thick suit of chainmail is someone that gets hurt really easy, but doesn't like to show it. So whatever comes out of my mouth is usually smartass and condescending to make up for the fact that I really feel stupid when I talk. Donna makes people feel dumb when she talks because, in comparison to her, they are. And I don't mean that in a bad way-she's an educated, well spoken person. We get the same results out of people we speak to, each with a totally different approach. In other words, we upset people unintentionally and ultimately bar them from our existence because of their reaction to our words. Maybe we have more in common than I thought.

So here's to Donna and all of the others that just hate the human race. We're not bad people, I swear. Just honest, to the point-why can't everyone be that way?

just a couple of things.

"I like girls that smell like smoke."-Taylor Hawkins of the Foo Fighters

Today at work, we got into a discussion about cigarettes. We drew names for secret santa. A list was made of the things we might want for $15 and under. Renita put down (well, actually, I wrote it for her) a pack of Camel Turkish Lights. One of the women said she wouldn't buy cigarettes as a gift-it was her money, she would choose what she spent her money on, etc. A few moments later, I recieved a long winded email from Renita, expressing her frustration with people who are against smoking/smokers. Why not buy her a pack of smokes? It's on the wish list. Anything can kill you. Would you give a fat person some chocolate for Christmas? Same principal. These were some of the points given in the email. I agreed. However, I did decline a cigarette to a pregnant girl once, I replied. I told her I was not going to be responsible for any birth defects or premature birth. This made the girl cry. I made alot of people at Kinko's cry for some reason or another, but this was different. This girl was crying because she was a dumbass for smoking while she was pregnant. That was pretty much all I had to say on the subject. I didn't want to get into a big stink with everyone and besides, Renita was just venting. And I'm a good vent receiver.

One more note for this basically uneventful day One of my best friends called me (I will not reveal her name to protect the not-so-innocent) and left a message on my cell phone. From what I gathered, she had to stop at a gas station to have an ass explosion. "Goddam, I should apologize for what I did to that toilet" was the message she left. I love that girl.

Note to self: never check messages from said person while driving. Tears from laughing make it hard to see. Jolts from fits of laughter make it hard to drive. Other drivers do not appreciate your wreckless driving.

fun things to do to your friends when they're drunk.

Happy Monday everyone. Another depressing, boring day at work. No matter-these photos always cheer me up, even when I'm in the most rotten of moods. Just one thing before I go-please don't ever do this to me when I'm wasted. It's bad enough that people can carry on a conversation with me while I'm sleeping. So enjoy these-I hope they make your day a little better...












Pirate Princess Pickle Bunny
This one is my favorite.

sea of leaves.

This is the leafy mess that is my front yard. I probably should rake it, but I'm too lazy. I could use a leaf blower-the guy across the street from me did that and 2 days later, his yard was covered again. Besides-I haven't raked the yard since I've lived here. I just run the lawnmower over it in the spring and it looks just fine. My dad would shit a brick if he saw it. Good thing he doesn't come over that often.

Yesterday was completely eventless. I did, however, finish my first Christmas gift and started on the next one. Maybe I will have time to knit myself a scarf and hat before I go to Europe. I'll need it, since we'll probably be sleeping on the street in Amsterdam. All of the B&B's are booked, as are the hostels. If our hotel in London burns down or something, I'll just jump off the Gay Street bridge.

No movie today. My parents are both sick with a nasty cold. I hate it when they're sick. They are getting older, have a few health problems and I get paranoid thinking that a cold could turn into pneumonia, causing their imenent death. But then they get better and my dad's back to playing golf, painting some part of the house that has yet to be touched by his paintbrush or harrassing my mom every 5 minutes-my mom goes back to cooking, cleaning, answering my 95 phonecalls a day, trying to catch up with Daisy the psycho dog in the back yard and living through my dad's harrassment. The last one pretty much takes all of her energy, so she retreats to the dining room to read her ever present book or People magazine, maybe even work on her Charles Wysocki puzzle. I can't believe they are still married after all these years. It's a rarity.

On a lighter note, I got a free ticket to see John Mayer in February. It's a long story, but Renita and I are going. He's playing at the Coliseum, which I thought was odd-it's a shit venue for someone of his stature. But whatever-it's free for me, so why should I complain? We never get anyone good to play here in Knoxville. I was really suprised when Jamie Cullum played at the Bijou. Usually it's just big country singers or 80's metal bands that can't get a gig elsewhere. Pete Yorn cancelled his concert here-I was very pissed about that. However, GWAR will be putting on a show at Blue Cat's-that would be extremely interesting. I tried to see if someone good like Basement Jaxx would be playing in London when we go, but apparently, there is nothing that time of year. Even Daniel Radcliffe's nude appearance in "Eqius" doesn't begin until February.

Well, back to my coffee and knitting. Gotta go check out This American Life-David Sedaris was on there and I missed it-and some Robot Chicken on Adult Swim. Other than that, I'll just enjoy the cold cloudy day inside my warm, cozy house that floats atop a sea of leaves.

11:07pm

"She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly-
off the coast and I'm headed nowhere..."
-Ben Folds 5



Spencer and I at Rick's Place. Half drunk-I don't know about him, but people were buying him drinks all night. He says he's not photogenic-neither am I. Who cares. Note to self: never request the song "Brick" when drinking-it only makes you cry like a little bitch. I love listening to Spencer play the piano. Or anyone else, for that matter. I'm a dork. And I can't type-I've backspaced more times than I can count tonite. My head hurts. A couple of quotes for the night, but let me give you background first. Spencer plays stuff like the Beatles, Jim Croce, Steely Dan, Steve Miller, etc. So some drunkass woman yells "Hey, can you play some AC/DC?". Another woman got mad at some guy and broke a glass mug over his head. Her friend said later "He got mugged." That was interesting-she got kicked out for that. And for the first time since high school, I saw a lady with leggings and a short blue jean skirt. I didn't think the 80's would ever come back...

Renita came with me, but she left early to go pick up her kid. I stayed there and sent dumbass text messages to Spencer (which he'll get in the morning and go WTF???) until about 10:45pm. I got tired of sitting alone, looking at the wealthy rednecks and trying to get rid of my buzz before the ride home. So before I left, I got a pic of him and I since I had none from all the years we have known each other. Cute.

"The light goes down and all the lights come on-they call to me, oh, come on, come on..." - EBTG

On the way home, I took a lovely picture of tail lights on the interstate. I don't know why, but I love those kinds of photos. I guess it's because when I was little, I would see pictures of city lights in motion and dream of living in a big city like New York or Paris. I still think about that, even though I've been to big cities like New York, Chicago, Philadelphia. It's never quite as grand as I dreamed it could be. But a girl can dream, can't she?

down.

I feel crappy today. Just mentally funkified. Even the Red Hot Chili Peppers can't bring me up. I guess there are several factors. I'm broke. I have tons of gifts to knit for Christmas and I haven't gotten the first one done. The posh B&B we were staying at in Amsterdam had a pipe bust that flooded the place, so now we have to find another place to stay-on New Years, it might be impossible. I need new glasses. My car needs an oil change. The car tags expire this month. Listening to my MP3 player at work-for some reason, I put alot of depressing songs on there, so upon leaving, I felt like slitting my wrists. Well, at least it drowned out all of the drama going on in the surrounding cubes. Why can't everyone mind their own business like I do? The earbuds give me an excuse to ignore everyone. Renita will email me if something important comes up...

LOST was good last night. I realized it's not coming back on until February-originally, I thought it was January. Kate and Sawyer screwing in the bear cage was nice-I wonder if he gave her a fish biscuit afterwards...do these people ever think about birth control? I guess it happens all the time. Girls getting knocked up because of spur-of-the-moment sex. Well, if you just stayed on the pill even when you're not having sex, then these things wouldn't happen. There are exceptions, but in most cases the pill is 99.9% effective. And carry some condoms if you're going somewhere where there might be some hot asses. Sure, those may break, but doubled with the pill, your chances of getting preggers are slim. How the hell did I get on this topic?

So what's a poor girl to do? In order to pay these bills, I had to do a pass-a-payment on my car loan. It is $50 to do this, but worth it-cheaper than getting a ticket for expired tags, or wrecking your car because you can't see without glasses, or the engine blowing up because your oil filter is in massive need of changing. Sometimes I hate being single. One income is not enough to take care of all these things. Of course, it could be ALOT worse. But I'm allowed a pity party every once in a while. And besides-I do have to spend money on frivolous things occasionally (like my trip to Europe) because one only lives once. So far as I know. I would hate to spend every waking minute at home and work. That's not living. I have $12 in my checking account and I'll probably spend every penny of it tomorrow night on drinks and a burger at Rick's Place. Because I could die on Saturday and it would be sad to think I spent my last night on Earth at home alone on a Friday night. Instead, I'll spend my Thursday night alone watching CSI. Unless I fall asleep on the couch with the cats...

blasphemy.

I love this crap.

These are pamphlets from random churches around town. The church members basically shove them in your face. Oh, the stories they tell. On your left, a story explaining why evolution does not exist, that we were made in God's own image. To your right, an arsonist with burn wounds, being told he's going to hell unless he asks for Jesus's forgiveness. Pretty serious stuff, done in comic strip form. I laugh my ass off at it. So, of course, I collect them.

If you come across any of these, send them to me.

I am forever seeing men dressed in their finest suits, reading the Bible to very interested strangers on the beach. No bikini clad girls are around-that would be very unChristian like.

There always seems to be a man sitting in a chair, doing some serious contemplating over the Bible, on the cover of Jehovah's Witness pamphlets. And they always have a shirt and tie on. I guess they want to be well dressed for the rapture. You never see the women doing stuff like that. Or maybe they aren't allowed to look good in that religion.

Yes, it's a strange hobby to collect such things. My friends forgive me for being such an atheist. I just can't help it. I would rather believe a ficticious Daniel Quinn novel than obey the words of a book that's been translated so many times over hundreds of years that it contradicts itself and really makes no sense. If anything, I'm Pagan, although I don't go to Pagan church or study a Pagan bible. I do, however, believe that Mother Nature will eventually chew us up and spit us out for destroying her planet.

So go to your local book store and pick up a copy of "Ishmael" or "The Story of B" by Daniel Quinn for some insight into my brain. A talking ape makes way more sense than an immaculate conception or parting of the seas. At least it does to me, since I believe Darwin was correct in saying that we evolve. I can totally relate to apes, since they were my ancestors. If you think you're too good to be a chimp descendant and you're offended-well, I really don't care. You should be ashamed for being so closed-minded. This, after all, is just a bunch of words. Just like the Bible or any other book. You don't have to believe it, much less read it. If your faith is strong, just laugh me off. I would do the same.

election day.

"If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice...I will choose a path that's clear-I will choose free will." -Rush


I think this photo shows what politicians really do when they get together. Ah, another election day. The weather is crappy and so are the candidates. Rush said it best. They are from Canada, but who cares? I realize that voting is our American right, and for some, our duty. But I believe NOT voting is also our right. People say that if you don't vote, you can't complain. Bullshit. With the given choices of candidates, there is not one person I would vote for. Does that mean I can't complain that there is no one worth my vote? No. Give me some decent politicians and I will walk-no RUN- to the polls to cast my ballot. I am not one to vote for parties, just for the person who agrees with the majority of issues I'm concerned about. Which, in this race, is no one. Alot of people in Tennessee vote strictly for one party or the other, regardless of what they stand for. And the liberals vote for their candidate just so they don't have to vote for a Democrat or Republican, again, regardless of the issues. So either way, my vote would be a complete waste. Roll your eyes at me-be angry. I'm not angry-I feel good with my decision not to waste my vote on a person who is completely worthless in my mind.

And now for something completely different...

I watch Prison Break religiously. It keeps me white knuckled from start to finish, with a few "OH SNAP!" comments here and there, the ending always bringing an "AWWW FUCK!!!" because I can't wait another week to see if Teabag is going to rip off his hand to free himself. However-lately, I've been having trouble with the whole time table situation. How is it that the FBI is in Arizona, while Scofield is in Gila, New Mexico and within, what I guess to be a time span of maybe 30 minutes, the FBI shows up in NM? And the bungholes with the key to the locker holding the money have called the police and before the police show up at the house they were at, the bungholes have time to: go to the train station, find the locker, unload the money, haul it outside, one hits the other guy over the head and runs off with the money. Normally, this would take a while. It usually takes cops to respond about 10 minutes. But all this happened before the cops even got there. I usually have problems with time travel-it doesn't make any logical sense to me-but this isn't time travel. It's supposed to be real time and it's not cutting it. Maybe they should take some tips from 24.

This is the last week of LOST until-gulp-January. Apparently, Criminal Minds had more viewers than LOST last week. Now, this is the problem I have with that issue-people are starting to give up on lost because they STILL have no clue what is going on. Well, isn't that the whole fun of it, trying to guess what's going to happen next? It's like the Harry Potter books-you want to know what's going to happen next, so you keep reading and waiting until the next book comes out. Books like that, I wish would never end. I know they must at some point, but it's fun to wonder and come up with your own conclusions, instead of it being handed to you by the author. That's the way LOST is for me. I want to know why-but not yet. Let it drag on for a while to keep everyone guessing. C'mon, people-this show needs your support, at least until we find out why Locke was in a wheelchair!

a few of my favorite things.

Since Mondays tend to suck for most people (especially me), I'm going to start a new blog tradition: my favorite things. Today, it's funnies. My friends and family know I write everything down that makes me giggle or think in a notebook. Random quotes or conversations from friends, family, famous people, complete strangers, coworkers. I have years of this stuff, but I'll just list a few of the ones that I remember the most. And I'll put a funny picture in just for some visual stimulation. Enjoy!

Me: "What do you want to eat?"
Donna: "3 great big motherfucking pizzas for a dollar."

James commenting on my visit to Austin to see him, Amy and Lauren: "You came in like a cool autumn wind and blew out of here like a hot, wet fart."


Janet on beer: "Miller High Life tastes like piss, but it still tastes pretty good."

Darin responding to some guy yelling insults at us while we were riding scooters and skateboards: "He's a closet scooter."

Some random customer at Kinko's: "Your fonts suck."

Jerry S. replying to an irate customer needing computer help at Kinko's: "Help me to help you help yourself."

Jerry Davis's closing statement to a customer at FedEx Kinko's who was pissed because she couldn't ship an object that was against regulations: "Thank you for trying to ship with FedEx."

Steve trying to show me how to make cappucino on my new Krups coffee maker: "You gotta blow out the creamy plug."

Gabby's opinion of a renaissance fair: "I don't believe in medievel stuff-I'm Catholic."

"I'm wrong but at least I'm consistant."-Jesse on being himself.

Lulu: "I need someone to wipe my butt-I pooped!"
Me: "Can't you wipe it yourself?"
Lulu: "No, I'm not 4 years old yet."

I'm choking on a chocolate covered cherry. Jerry comes up behind me to do the Hiemlich maneuver and says "Are you ready?" Like I could reply...

Mark and Renita were discussing how doctors measure dialation on a pregnant woman. Renita and Mark's wife have the same OBGYN, Dr. R., who is Greek. Here's how it went:
Renita: "I think they measure by how many fingers they can stick up there."
Mark: "Some doctor's fingers are as big as telephone poles."
Renita: "Yeah, especially Dr. R.'s
Mark: "Those big Greek hands-they were tossing around rocks on Mount Olympus with those hands"

Question on the Ask CKY postboard: "Is CKY breaking up?"
Jess Margera: "Nah, breaking up is as gay as a bag of dicks."

Roseanne on Actor's Studio answers the regular Bernard Piebo questions.
James Lipton: "What's your favorite sound?"
Roseanne: "That music-you know, on the History channel when Hitler's coming on."

"Oh, baby, I'm rubbing my spacebar..." -chatroom spammer.

Donna and I watching CKY2K where Brandon DiCamillo takes a dump.
Brandon: "This is me shitting."
Donna: "Oh my God, what did you eat????"

Todd, angry at a car in front of him that is still stopped at a green light: "What are you waiting on, a football field?"

Todd, with a trick at Sharp's Ridge. They are in his car, the guy pulls down his pants and exposes the fact he is wearing women's crotchless panties. Todd yells at him "You're a waste-get out!!!"

A girl at work is bitching about her husband. He complains about her cooking. Renita says "Well, you need to give him the Al Green special."

The same girl bitching about her teenage son being out of control. Renita says "You can give kids the Al Green special, too."

My family had a cookout. It was hot and the mosquitos were relentless. My brother asks my mom if she has any bug repellent, to which she replies "Yeah, get OFF in the garage."

I sent my brother an email, asking him a question about our website. He emailed me back: Paige, I'm drunk right now. Can we do this tomorrow?

Janet and I are at a bar talking to some random guy. He says "The mosquitos are bad here."
Janet replies: "Yeah, screw Vietnam!"

Janet and I are driving home from a bar, listening to the local rap station. Twista comes on.
Janet: "Hey, it's Twista!"
Me: "Who the hell is that?"
Janet: "You don't know who Twista is? Man, he's the hip hop sensation!!!"

OK, I think that's all for tonight. For the most part, for these to be funny, you would have to hear the person say it. But it's all in my head and it's crystal clear. So even if you don't laugh, just smile knowing I'm in front of my monitor laughing my ass off.

pictionary winners.

The cabin was pretty cool this weekend. Although it was in an area where there were about 50 other cabins and we had no privacy (like we really needed any), the view was lovely. The girls shopped, the guys watched football and we ate like pigs all weekend. This time, the girls were the only ones to play Pictionary, which brings me to my favorite quote of the weekend: my mom asks my dad "Are you going to play the game with us?" to which he replies "no, I don't have time." His ass was completely plastered to the couch, therefore, he didn't have time to pry it off. And those of you who know my dad can just hear him saying it in his hateful, impatient tone. I think the people on Mount LeConte could hear us laughing. Here are the drawing winners:

My sister Pam's version of a nose and a cheerleader. Looks more like a roller skate and a stick figure with it's hands on fire.
My mom claimed she didn't remember what an ant looked like (well, not like a slug!) and the indian she drew looked like it had been shot once in each cheek instead of the warpaint she was trying for. When I said this to her, she replied "Well, it was wartime."

My sister Belinda's idea of an alligator in a swamp. Obviously, no one guessed it.

I had some doozies myself, but I'll let the others have the spotlight of embarrassment. We are not artists. I think my niece Sarah drew better than any of us. How very sad. On another interesting note, there were arcade games in the basement. I mean real ones-Pac Man, Frogger, Donkey Kong-and they were free. My nephew Matthew spent the entire time playing those. And when my brother Brad reached the 12th level on Galaga, Matthew had an all new respect for him. Uncle Brad was idolized the rest of the weekend. My brother Brent and his wife did the same thing as always-he joked and kidded while she tore him a new asshole every 5 minutes, making whatever he said even more funny.

Since every commercial break was made up of 95% Harold Ford and Bob Corker shit slinging political commercials, the guys had a kick out of those. "Bob Corker let 10,000 illegal immigrants work for his company and his wife is a whore. I'm Harold Ford and I approve this message." or "Harold Ford missed 5,267 votes and he fucked a playboy bunny in his local church. I'm Bob Corker and I approve this message." I can't wait until this election is over. I didn't vote and I'll tell you why with a quote straight from South Park-"It's like choosing between a douchebag and a shit sandwich." My friends that live out of town-well, sorry you had to miss this one.

And I will leave you with this final thought. I told 2 different people what I was doing this weekend-one I work with, the other some stranger that asked what I was doing in the Sevierville area-and they both had the same comment: "Your family gets along that well? Wow, it must be nice." Yes, it is.

things to do below sea level.

My friends and I leave for Amsterdam and London on December 29. Here's a rough itinerary of what we will be seeing while we are spending New Years in Amsterdam:

The VanGogh Museum

You can get in free here if you're under 12-or if you have one ear. Go figure. Van Gogh is my favorite painter, so this stop is the most anticipated for me.

Anne Frank House

I must admit I have never read Anne Frank's diary, but the house is a huge part of history. And it's background is more intriguing than any American history. It is definitely a must see.

Paradox

A coffee bar that is cozy and also serves food, which is rare for a coffee bar in Amsterdam. I may partake in the legal substances there, although it makes me either paranoid or laugh so hard I can't breathe. And since the place has food, well-they may not have any left by the time I walk out of the door. But I am ready for some goodass coffee, not the Americanized crap that is served at Charbucks. The owners of the bar are apparently really nice and patient with their customers.

Bananabar (Bananenbar at #37)

The one and only reason for going to this bar (open only at night) is the complete irony of it all. I'm a straight girl-my friend Jerry is a gay man. We'll go into this bar to see nude women perched upon the bar, serving drinks. No touching allowed, but they will serve you a banana any way you like. I wouldn't touch that banana with a 10 foot pole, much less eat it-and neither would Jerry (who said that if she had a yeast infection, people would get banana bread)-but I can't imagine anywhere in the world where I could see such entertainment. Disgusting, yet fascinating. Kind of like driving by a bad car wreck.

The Heineken Brewery

It's the Heineken Brewery . That should be enough.

Also on the list are some random churches, windmills, canals and all that touristy crap. All I want to come out of that place with is a pair of wooden shoes and a hangover. London is a different ballgame-we'll have more time to spend there and the only major thing we have planned is a drive to Stonehenge. I'll keep you informed. Now I must go pack for the weekend at the cabin.

one of those days.

It's the kind of day that most people hate. Cool, rainy, dark, almost depressing. It's fall-what more could you expect? This is exactly the kind of day I love. No heat, no sun, the trees are dressed in their fall colors. The clouds are the kind that look like they could drop a hard rain or maybe a blanket of snow. Of course, it's too warm to snow, but one can always dream. And as the rain falls, it brings the yellow, red and orange leaves down with it, the wind stirring up the brown leaves already on the ground. In my front yard are mostly red leaved trees, save one tree that is yellow. But my favorite by far is the Japanese Maple. The color is that of blood-dark, crimson leaves with jagged points only this type of tree would have. It stands out among the other trees in the neighborhood and it's all mine. They charge a pretty hefty price at a nursery for Japanese Maples. Mine came with the house and is very old. When the sun shines, the leaves look like maroon tissue paper; when it rains, the tree resembles a paint brush dipped in shiny crimson paint. My photo doesn't do it justice.

Only 5 trick or treaters showed up last night. The first were 2 little black girls, one dressed as Ariel from The Little Mermaid, the other some sort of Disney princess. Possibly the cutest girls I've ever seen at Halloween. However, I must say, the whole princess thing needs to be banned. It tells little girls "Hey, look at me-dress like this and you could get some royal booty of your own". And Bratz? Can you say HO, kids? No one in real life looks like that OR acts like a perfect princess. There are no good role models any more. When I was little, I ripped the heads off of Barbies and cut their hair. That is, when I played with them. Most of the time I listened to 45's on my stereo or watched my Show and Tell, a cool invention with a record player and a screen to show a film slide that you stuck in a slot at the top. Gulliver's Travels was my favorite. Then I would explore the woods with my friends or climb the giant tree in our front yard. Nowadays, I guess that would be considered being a tomboy. Back then, it was just fun.

This weekend, I am going to a cabin in the mountains with my family. Not my favorite thing to do on a weekend, but it's only once a year and playing Pictionary with my Dad will give me enough laughs to last the whole week. As long as I have a book and my MP3 player, I should survive. And my little quote book-I'm sure someone will say something worthy of writing down.

Time to get prepared for another episode of LOST. Next week will be it for a while-I might have withdrawals. Hopefully HEROES can sustain me through that difficult time. And The Office. And Prison Break. CSI is starting to bore me, even though Grissom is some great eye candy. But sometimes that just isn't enough. Everything else is crap. I wish I still had cable...but, alas, I am too poor for that AND internet service. There's alot of crap on cable too, but I do miss The Learning Channel, Sci-Fi, Discovery and Comedy Central. Maybe when I grow up, I can afford such luxuries.